Reflective Post: The Wounds We Carry

What Happened?

Recently, I've been reflecting on the personal baggage and losses that we all carry. For me, this includes the sudden passing of my birth father last year, which left me with unresolved emotions and anger. I hadn't seen him in eight years, and the lack of closure was overwhelming. I also struggled with feelings of betrayal and hurt from past experiences at my former job, which even led to a year of suicidal ideation. These experiences have been a heavy burden, affecting my ability to grow and heal.

So What?

As I reflect on these experiences, I realize that holding onto anger and resentment can be a form of "dead weight" that prevents personal growth. I've found that my instinct is often to cling to these feelings because I feel justified in my anger. However, I've come to understand that this doesn't lead to healing. Instead, I've learned to rely on my faith as a way to release this burden. It's not just about letting go; it's about actively choosing to forgive and trust that God can heal these wounds.

Now What?

Today, during morning prayer, I felt a strong urge to forgive those who wronged me at my former job. This was a challenging process, especially with one person whose name I couldn't recall, which I believe was my subconscious resisting forgiveness. However, as I declared my identity in Christ and sought guidance from the Holy Spirit, I was able to forgive and begin the healing process. It won't be immediate, but I've taken the first step by choosing to let go of that anger and see the situation with grace rather than resentment. For now, I'm focusing on not revisiting those painful memories until I can view them without anger or betrayal.

Suffering Servant

    In a small town in the east lived an 11-year-old boy with a destiny that would change the world.  

         Sitting on the floor with the other disciples, Yeshua listened to Rabbi Yosef teach from the prophet Daniel, "Seventy weeks are decreed for your people and your holy city: to finish the transgression, to put an end to sin, and to atone for iniquity, to bring in everlasting righteousness, to seal both vision and prophet and to anoint a most holy place. Know therefore and understand from the time that the word went out to restore and rebuild Jerusalem until the time of an anointed prince." 

        When finishing the prophesy Yosef concluded, "That is why the Messiah cannot come until the people are right with Adonai, only then will the Messiah come and set us free."

        The room was silent, no one dared to question the teacher's knowledge until Yeshua raised his hand, "Rabbi Yosef?" 

        Rabbi Yosef ignored the boy, turning to open another scroll, but he stood, "Rabbi Yosef?"

        The old man looked down at the boy, his imposing figure towering over him, "Yes, child?" 

        Yeshua stood asking, "The Psalms says that there is no one good except Adonai, and in Jeremiah it says Man cannot walk himself, it is not a man who directs his steps, wouldn't it stand to reason that only Adonai could lead man to righteousness?" 

        The old man grunted to himself, and the children chattered among themselves, "What is your question Yeshua, son of the carpenter?" 

        Yeshua said, "You say man needs to be good in order for Adonai to deliver him, but when you read further it talks about the Messiah, After the sixty-two weeks, an anointed one shall be cut off and shall have nothing, and the troops of the prince who is to come shall destroy the city and the sanctuary. Yet you say that the temple will remain forever." 

        Yosef leaned over Yeshua, imposing on the young lad, "How about you stay in the woodshop with your father and leave the interpreting of scripture to those whom Adonai has blessed with revelation." 

        Yeshua gazed up at the Rabbi his brows furrowed in confusion, "You talk about my father being a woodcarver, but isn't your son a fisherman?" 

        The old man's eyes widened with fury as his nostrils flared, "Yeshua! I will not stand here and be disrespected by you in my class!" 

        Yeshua blinked, stepping backward, "I didn't mean any disrespect, sir, I was only wondering why you think that just because I am not the son of a respected Rabbi, Adonai won't give me revelations, When Adonai chose King David, who was the youngest son and a common shepherd, also choosing Samson as well as many of our prophets from humble origins to become great men in Israel." 

        The old man shot a look at Yeshua, "Out, Now!" 

        Yeshua bowed respectfully and quickly walked out of the room into the Synagogue court yard Eleazar sat outside on the mat waiting, "You got kicked out too?" 

        Yeshua shook his head, "You and I get kicked out for very different reasons." 

    

        Laughing Eleazar stood and put his arm around Yeshua's neck rubbing his knuckles into his scalp, "That's because you always gotta be a party pooper." 

        Pushing him off Yeshua chuckled, "You're the one who put needles on Rabbi Benjamin's mat,"

        Eleazar chuckled as he recalled the event, "Yeah, would've been funnier if you didn't spoil it." 

        Yeshua put his hand up looking directly into his friend's eyes, "You don't seem to understand, we have an opportunity, this synagogue doesn't normally let the sons of merchants and craftsmen train under Rabbi, I'm trying to learn what I can. And you're just goofing off." 

        Eleazar says, "Someone trying to, 'Learn what he can', wouldn't be out here with the synagogue troublemaker." 

        Yeshua chuckled, "Yeah, I think you're right, but the thing is when I read the Torah or listen to someone read the Torah it's like I'm hearing or reading myself, it's like it's a part of me somehow." 

        Eleazar laughed, "Of course, the Torah is a part of us, its about our ancestors, it's the history of our people." 

        Looking at his best friend, eyes pleading, "No, it's deeper than that..." 

        Sighing the old friend put his hand on Yeshua's shoulder, "How do you mean?” 

        

        Yeshua sighed, "When my Abba first read the scroll of the Levitical Law to me, I felt like I had spoken those words before, when I heard him speak the laws out, I knew what was coming next..."

        Eleazar stopped, putting his hand on Yeshua's chest, "Did your Abba read this to you late?"

        Yeshua shook his head, "No, he followed the customs, reading it to me when I was three. We were moving back home from Egypt at the time."

        Eleazar's brow furrowed as he looked at Yeshua, "That is very strange that you remember so much."

        Yeshua blinked, "Do you not."

        Eleazar was silent all the way to Yeshua's home. Yeshua went into his father Yosef's workshop, seeing his younger brothers working with their father as he supervised them building a table. Yosef noticed Yeshua enter. Wiping his brow with a rag he said, "How was Torah Class?" 

        Yeshua sat on the table, "I don't think... I want to go back." 

        Yosef looked over at his other two sons, Yuda and Yaacob, "Boys, go upstairs and see if your Eima needs any help." 

        Both ran upstairs to the house. Yosef sat on the table next to his son.  

        "What happened?" Yosef asked.

        Yeshua recalled the events of the day, "Rabbi Yosef was teaching out of Daniel today, about the messiah." 

        Yosef nodded his head, "Okay?" 

        Yeshua continues nervously, "I asked a question about the teaching, and he got angry." 

        Yosef asked, "What was your question?" 

        Yeshua said, "Well Rabbi Yosef said that the Messiah can't come until the people are clean, but I asked, 'Why would Adonai require that if psalms say no one is righteous not even one,' and he got angry." 

        Yosef furrowed his brow as he thought, "Was this Rabbi Yosef, Yosef BenElijah?" 

        Yeshua looked up, "Yes?" 

        Yosef chuckled, "He doesn't like his students to challenge him, but you did nothing wrong, a good Rabbi isn't afraid of students' questions." 

        Yeshua smiled, "Thanks, Dad." 

        Yosef hugged his son's neck and a voice from upstairs yelled, "Boys Dinner time." 

        Yosef said, "You go to your mother, I have a project to finish." 

        Later that evening, Yosef and Miriam were in bed talking about Yeshua.  

        "I think we need to tell him," Yosef said bluntly.  

        Miriam said, "Do you think he's ready?" 

        "He's almost a man I see it in his eyes he knows something. But he needs to know everything." 

        Miriam said, "What makes you think he doesn't know everything now? He rivals the Rabbi in their knowledge of scripture, and he is definitely different than his brothers." 

        Yosef chuckled, "The stories he comes home with make me want to go back to Torah class all over again." 

        Miriam laughed recalled todays story, "We need to tell him." 

        Yosef nodded, "I'll talk to him in the morning." 

        "Are you afraid that you'll lose your son when you tell him?" 

        Yosef shook his head, "No, but I know that he will gain a father and a destiny." 

        The next day, Yeshua was about to leave for Synagogue when Yosef stopped him.  

        "Your Eima and I need to talk to you today. You won't be going to class."  

        Yeshua put his bag down and followed his father. When they got to the workshop where Miriam was, she said, "Sit down." 

        Yeshua sat looking up at his father, "Is something wrong?" 

       She chuckled and said, "No. actually very right." 

        Yeshua looked at his Eima, furrowing his brow.  

        Yosef interjected, "Your mother and I are going to tell you the story of your birth." 

        Yeshua raised his eyebrow. 

        Miriam said, "Before you were born an angel came to me, he told me that I would have a son and to name him Yeshua, the thing is I didn't know your father or any man at the time." 

        Yeshua looked between Yosef and his mother, "Then who is my Abba?" 

        Yosef said, "Adonai is your Abba." 

        Yeshua looked down deep in thought, "That makes so much sense." 

        Miriam leaned forward taking Yeshua's hand in hers.  

        "I have dreams where I am in paradise, where I am with Adonai, where I see angels, where I see the future." Yeshua continued. 

        Yosef put his arm around Yeshua's shoulder, "Do you know who you are son?" 

        Yeshua looked forward, "I'm the Son of Man." 

This is a fictional depiction of the historical figure Jesus of Nazareth, the same Jesus who is alive today and represents us before the Father. I wrote this as an exercise because I am going to write a character based on Jesus in my epic fantasy novel. The character Yeshua in this story is based on Jesus the man but as an 11-year-old Israelite boy. My knowledge of first-century Israelite culture is limited, and I am not an expert on this material. I also took a few creative liberties, but my hope is that this doesn't contradict but enhances your knowledge of scripture.

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